Good Mourning: a Jewish Perspective on Healthy Mourning

One of the most difficult things we face in this life is losing someone we love. When disease, accident, or violence claims the life of one who means so much to us, it is tempting to surrender to despair. Grief is a process that allows us to express the pain and sorrow we rightly feel after loss.

Jesus Himself wept when Lazarus died, even though He restored His friend to life shortly after (John 11:35). While physical death is temporary for those who trust in Jesus, the separation is painful for those who are left behind. Jewish mourning rituals can teach us valuable lessons on how to grapple with loss.

REMEMBRANCE IS IMPORTANT

Remembrance is a key value in Jewish culture. Author and Holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel said, “I marvel at the resilience of the Jewish people. Their best characteristic is their desire to remember. No other people has such an obsession with memory.”[1] Whether for personal suffering, such as losing a parent, or collective trauma, such as the Holocaust, remembrance is a duty.

One practical tradition that Jewish people can have to remember their loved ones, is lighting a candle on the anniversary of their death. These candles are called yahrzeit candles, from the Yiddish word for “anniversary.” Thy believe that the burning light symbolises immortality. This notion comes from Proverbs 20:27, which some see as connecting a flame with a person’s soul: “The spirit of man is the lamp of the Lord, searching all the innermost parts of his being.” According to tradition, lighting a candle communicates that, although a person has died, their soul goes on.

REMEMBRANCE IS COMMUNAL

Jewish mourning is also communal, involving not only the immediate family but friends and neighbors too. Following the burial, close family gather for seven days in a period of mourning known as shivah (from the Hebrew word for “seven.”)

During this time, the mourners sit on the floor or low stools and abstain from normal activities such as work, bathing, and changing clothes, depending on one’s interpretation of observance.  Neighbors and acquaintances are welcome to visit, bring food, offer their condolences, and share memories. These practices allow everyone an opportunity to express their grief and ensure that one does not mourn alone.

Loneliness often accompanies grief. One of the challenges of losing a loved one is figuring out what life looks like without that person’s presence and encouragement. Moreover, as we walk through the grieving process, we may feel as though our painful experience isolates us from others around us.

Isolation, however, risks leaving us stranded alone in despair. Observing shivah can help prevent sinking into such depths because of the community’s encouragement and support of the bereaved. As Jewish tradition teaches, mourning with others helps us support one another and know that we are not alone in our grief. Likewise, Paul himself taught us to “weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15).

REMEMBRANCE IS WORSHIPFUL

Finally, mourning in Jewish culture is worshipful. For eleven months after burial, the immediate family recite the Mourner’s Kaddish prayer daily. The Mourner’s Kaddish opens with “Magnified and sanctified may God’s great Name be throughout the world which He has created according to His will”. [2]

While this is often known as a prayer for the dead, forms of it are said on numerous other occasions. This prayer does not even mention death or loss; rather, it is a prayer of praise. To recite this prayer is to declare that even a loss as heavy as that of a close family member does not negate one’s faith. It is a bold statement of trust in God’s character and faithfulness.

Praising God in the midst of tragedy does not mean that we are downplaying what has happened or suppressing our emotions. We can and should be honest with God about how we feel, for expressing grief is essential to healing. Worshiping even in our sorrow means that we are affirming God’s goodness, agreeing that He is “compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in lovingkindness and truth” (Exodus 34:6).

We do not know why God allows horrible things to happen, such as terrorist attacks, mass shootings, and deadly floods. Nevertheless, we know that God is good and does not change (Malachi 3:6). By making praise part of our grieving, singing worship songs or praying certain psalms, we are expressing our faith in the midst of suffering.

These principles; memory, community, and worship, are valuable tools that help us mourn in a healthy way. Practicing them may take many forms, such as lighting a candle, journaling, or reading worshipful psalms. When we worship, giving thanks to God despite not understanding the “why,” we can grieve and express our pain and despair without succumbing to it.

[1] Elie Wiesel, (1980), quoted in Diana Cohen Reis, “The Immigration of Jews from France to Montréal: An Investigation of the Changes in a Complex Jewish Identity” (master’s thesis, University of Ottawa, 2008), iii.

[2] Barry A. Budoff, trans., A Messianic Jewish Siddur for Shabbat (Skokie, IL: Devar Emet Messianic Publications, 2011), 109.